Saturday, August 3, 2013

Something Muddy in Maynard Park

Picture yourself, pulling into your driveway or parking garage, with your SUV or motorcycle covered in mud and dirt. It’s a sight that almost literally screams to your neighbors, “hey, look at me… I’m cool and kick-ass!”

Your admiring neighbors are flooded with visions of your offroad adventures, and as they reflect on their own wasted sedentary lives, your status soars and reaches new heights of envy.

In today’s busy life, with all of our professional pursuits and social obligations, who has time for a real outdoor adventure?  Now, there’s an affordable time-management solution.

The Maynard Park Mudworks is open for business and ready to elevate your perceived status with an array of services designed to impress.

The concept is simple: You discreetly drive your vehicle into Maynard Park Mudworks, meet with your Design Consultant, select your Service Package, then sit back and relax while your car or motorcycle is transformed into a status symbol. The process works much like a reverse carwash, producing a realistic mud effect that will have your neighbors convinced that you’ve just returned from the adventure of a lifetime. When your vehicle is ready, you drive it home to bask in the glory and forever change the perception of your friends, neighbors and acquaintances that you’re a do-nothing, pointless nobody. When it comes to perception, perception is all that matters.

The Mudworks features “clean-mud” technology that won’t harm finishes, with authentically sourced “mud-product” from popular offroading trails. For example, when a customer selects the “Tahuya”, or “Naches Pass Trail” package, they leave with a mud coverage mix that can fool even an expert-level offroader.

If...the idea of heading into a nightmare landscape of stuck wheels spinning in mud, horrific flying and crawling insects, twisting and ominous logging roads leading to potential encounters with angry backwoods humanoids, without a Starbucks in sight...is your idea of hell on earth, then Maynard Park Mudworks is for you.

Spend your day at the Mall, go to a Film Festival or to the Library, hang out at a Casino, or indulge yourself at a Cold Stone Creamery, then when you’re ready to feel the best you’ve ever felt, drive back home to a heroes welcome.

Maynard Park Mudworks also provides water-soluble “Shoe and Pant Leg Mud Spray" as a finishing touch to your grand illusion. Packages start at $29.

Friday, July 5, 2013

The Key to Happiness by Expertologist Jenny Voleur

Are you generally happy? Do you greet each day with a genuine feeling of balance, purpose and enjoyment? Do you consider yourself to be well adjusted, with a fulfilling and enriching life? If you answered "Yes" to most or all of these questions, you're wrong...and you're likely suffering from FSS or False Serenity Syndrome. FSS is an insidious affliction, because the better you "feel" each day, the worse the condition is actually becoming.

I discovered this syndrome after extensive workshopping on scientific themes, and rather than filling sufferers of FSS with despair, I'm offering new hope for a truly happy life for all. I've found that as soon as I confront seemingly happy people with the news that they are indeed FSS sufferers, their first question is always "Why me?", and their next question is "Why won't you go away?"

Confronting truth is never easy, but the key to recovery from False Serenity Syndrome is to understand your Mentally Indexed Barometer of Adversity Data or MIBAD score. The MIBAD score operates much like a Credit Score but instead rates your emotional well-being and suitability for genuine happiness. In my research, I reached the shocking and surprising conclusion that no one could have a "perfect score" and be happy. Unlike a Credit Score, where people strive to be in the 800s, the goal with the MIBAD score is to bring it down to a mentally healthful level of imperfection. The best way to attain that difficult achievement is through an array of merchandise and services that I can provide you.

Let me bring this home for you. You think you're happy. You're not. Let me point out how unhappy you really are by inviting you to dwell on focal-points that will raise your doubts and create new depressive fixations that can only be put into perspective through an investment in my extensive books, e-books, tapes, CDs, MP3s, online subscriptions, web-seminars, speaking engagements, lectures and immersive "offsite" isolation workshops at my compound in Belize.

The next time you're really feeling good about yourself, consider the alternatives.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Haute Cuisine Workouts: Heating It Up In Maynard Park

You can never have enough Yoga Studios. That’s true in Seattle, and it’s apparently truer in Seattle’s Maynard Park Neighborhood, where at last count we noted 37 Yoga Studios in an approximate 10 city-block radius. Yes, that seems about right. And…that seems about wrong, unless it’s a really, really interesting, ground-breaking Yoga Studio concept that’s never been seen. Well, we saw it, and we’re excited to tell you about it, because that’s what we do.

The latest entry, or to more accurately state it, entrĂ©e on the Yoga scene is Haute Crock Yoga. Situated on a bustling corner, in a former Church’s Chicken, “the Crock” (as locals have begun calling it) is all about the sizzle of savings. Appealing to mega-busy professionals who don’t have the time to fit both a workout and a dinner-out into their compressed schedules, Haute Crock Yoga brings it all together in a sweltering, delicious and literal melting pot of humanity and pulled-pork. 

You can easily distinguish a “Haute Crocker” from the typical garden-variety rolled-mat-carrying yoga enthusiast. Clients of Haute Crock Yoga can be seen hauling their own slow-cookers with them to their Yoga Classes, and that’s when things really start to heat up.

Here’s how it works: Classes at Haute Crock begin with the synchronized placement of Hamilton Beach, Cuisinart, DeLonghi or traditional Rival Crock Pots in a wide circle around the perimeter of the large yoga space. The room is pre-heated to 120 degrees, and with a unified flip of all the encircling switches, the ring of 200-to-300 degree crock pots springs to life…and so begins the aromatic journey of body, mind and soul. As participants work through their yoga positions, the Crock Pots emit their delicious leaching fragrance of Corned-Beef, Pot Roast, Liver and Onions, or on Vegan night, Barley Casserole, Tuscan Kale or Balsamic Root Vegetables, forming an airborne slurry that infuses with and enwraps the aficionados in what Haute Crock owner, Brenda Caramel, simply calls “love.” 

At the conclusion of the 3-hour yoga session, picnic-style rustic tables are brought out onto the floor, crock pots are placed atop, and then the steamy bounty is shared among all who wish to partake. Cooking times may vary, from night to night, depending on the level of advancement of each class.

And there you have it… You just chop it, crock it, bring it, heat it, and eat it. Done and done. Dinner and a workout, and a memorable night out…in Maynard Park.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Reality Comes to Maynard Park

Seattle’s Maynard Park Neighborhood might soon be “on the map” in the world of Reality Television, thanks to a TV production crew who has arrived here to begin taping a new series.

We had the opportunity to meet with Executive Producer Marsha Pariah to talk about what this could mean for Maynard Park residents.

MPB: There are a lot of Reality TV shows these days. Could you tell us a little about the show you’re bringing to Maynard Park?

Marsha: You’re right, there are a lot of Reality shows today, but my show represents something new that’s never been done. The show is called Extreme Reality Wars, and very simply it’s a competition show that pits current reality-show Producers against each other in a quest to create the next big hit reality-show. 

MPB: How does the show work?

Marsha: Well, each Producer contestant ventures out going door-to-door, visiting shopping centers, riding public transportation, stopping in at Laundromats, basically going to the places where “reality” hangs out looking for human circumstances suitable for InfoEnterExploiTainment.

MPB: What happens next?

Marsha: Each competitor identifies, secures and adapts their discovered reality “talent” to a format of their choice (hoarders, complainers, mattress-eaters, musicians, lawyers, real estate agents or whatever) then they produce and edit a sizzle reel that they bring back and pitch to a panel of ordinary citizen judges. Through a series of elimination rounds, a winner is selected. The winning contestant receives $10 million and an exclusive 39-episode contract for the production of their winning show on the Home Crafts Channel.

MPB: How are the winning Producers judged?

Marsha: We did extensive audience research, and from our studies and analysis we determined that reality-show success was directly correlated to the show’s PTER ranking.

MPB: PTER?

Marsha: The Pity-to-Entertainment-Ratio. In our focus groups, we found that audiences rejected the nothing-but-sad stories because they were just so depressing. But, we found that if you took that same story and mixed in just the right amount of bouncy music and quick hand-held camera movements, the shows PTER went through the roof. That’s the job of a Reality Television Producer, and that’s the challenge our producer/contestants take when they compete with the best of the best to put together a winning show.

MPB: How did you happen to choose Maynard Park as one of your locations?

Marsha: We scouted several locations throughout the country, and chose the communities where we felt there was the most potential.

MPB: Were there residents here that particularly got your attention?

Marsha: When we came through last summer on a location and talent scouting trip, we were impressed with the volume of raw material that was abundant here. Couple of examples… the “Cornucopia Queen” on SW Allen Street. She has a lot of reality-show potential due to the prolific and very narrow focus of her hoard, and just the effort it took to nail all of those horns-of-plenty to nearly every visible surface of her home’s interior and exterior. We were also intrigued by Randall Moorkly who has tirelessly campaigned to convince one of your local community colleges to include an accredited course in CosPlay in their curriculum because of its “significant social import” as stated on the flyers he hands out to anyone who will talk to him. 

MPB: So, will the producers mainly be looking for quirky characters?

Marsha: Not necessarily… quirky is always good and will gain points when the Producers pitch their show ideas to the judges, but a winner needs to dig deep and find the hidden gems, like the high-drama of a nail salon, or the philosophical clashes at a donut shop. 

MPB: Should Maynard Park residents welcome or fear you and your show?

Marsha: I would think they would welcome us. Who doesn’t want people to come into their lives, take an interest in their existence, validate their despair or celebrate their aspirations? 

MPB: Well, I’ve held somewhat silent during this interview, but now it’s time to listen to me for a minute… So, you and your show come into our neighborhood, Miss Marsha, like a swarm of locusts feeding, or like invading aliens from outer-space here to harvest our organs, while we’re alive, no anesthesia, while you parade us Quasimodo-style on that round platform thing all chained up as you wheel us through the throngs of gawkers, and give us some cotton-candy to hold and chew on so we don’t notice you’re making fun of us and pointing cameras up our nostrils looking for some glint of our humanity to slither out so you can slowly kill us while we’re imprisoned like veal, held there in a sickened state, pressed into packages and sold to the highest bidder, who relishes schadenfreude as a sport of the insulated, as the very soul of humanity is crushed, dimmed and descended into a pit of irrevocable decay.

Marsha: I think there may be a place for you on the show.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Maynard Park Takes a Gamble on Parking

On a warm summer night this past August, Seattle’s Maynard Park Neighborhood Community Council quietly passed an innovative fund-raising scheme. Maynard Park has been challenged with steadily declining parking meter revenues, due to the lack of compelling reasons for people to visit the neighborhood.

In a moment of inspired brilliance, council member Preston Camelot gave a compassioned soliloquy. “Why do people park?” he proffered. “People park because they want to go someplace nearby. But, what if there’s no place for them to go? Why should they park? People need a reason to park. If they don’t have a reason to park, then parking needs to be their reason.”

The rest of the Council remained perplexed, until Preston revealed a flipchart illustration of his vision for Maynard Park parking. Calling it the “Maynard Parking Slot”, Preston showed how a standard parking pay station could be easily fitted with a video slot terminal, money-changer, flashing lights and a series of buttons marked 25-cent, 45-cent, 75-cent, Max Bet and Spin. Maynard Parkers simply insert their coins or credit-card into the machine, select their requested parking duration and then optionally add a side-bet for as many reel spins as they desire. As Preston put it, “With this level of excitement and thrill, people will be lining up to park in Maynard Park…and look how much money we save by not improving the neighborhood at all.”

The “Maynard Parking Slots” are being trialed this month on several of Maynard Park’s main thoroughfares. Additional Parking Enforcement Officers have been added to deal with the occasional “hand pays” of Jackpots and larger wins. But, just as in standard Casinos, the “house” or in this case the “neighborhood” always wins, thanks to a 75% payout guaranteeing Maynard Park a steady stream of revenue.

The next time you have no place to go, why not pay a visit to Maynard Park? And may the odds be ever in your favor.



 

Friday, August 31, 2012

Make it a Maynard Park Weekend!

It seems like something’s always happening in Seattle’s Maynard Park neighborhood. This weekend, there are more events, festivals and “happenings” happening in Maynard Park than in all the combined previous Maynard Park weekends this year. 

Here’s this weekend's rundown:

· Backward-walking 7K Fun Run
· A Brief History of Thyme (7-part lecture panel over 3 days with cooking demonstration)
· Street Magic Flash Mob & Flash Dance (what a feeling of suspended disbelief)
· Making Termites Your Friends (drift-wood art created by domesticated wood eaters)
· Celebrity Miniature Golf Tournament (benefit to buy dry-erasers for the community center)
· Maynard Park hand-decorated shrimp festival (self-explanatory and delicious)
· Collectibles on Parade (treasured uncommon items marched by locals in procession)
· The 5th Annual Maynard Park Vintage Chrysler LeBaron Car Show
· Maynard Park’s Got Talent? (let’s all find out…followed by a no-host Pancake Dinner)

With all this going on, who says Maynard Park isn’t a real neighborhood?

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

It's Maynard Bay Music Festival Time!

Beat the heat this weekend at the Maynard Bay Music Festival.  Established by musician and Maynard Park music promoter, Clive Madison, this little-known Seattle festival celebrates its 3rd non-consecutive year in existence.

Setup in the large back parking lot of the Maynard Park Hardware Emporium, this outdoor venue consists of a small plywood stage fronted by a deluxe child’s wading pool that serves as Maynard Bay. Says Clive, “We wait for the sun to set, then we light all these floating tea lights in the pool, and it’s magic.”

This year, as in previous years, the headline act is Clive’s own band, Flugel Riot Anthem. “We’re a Flugelhorn Power Trio of myself, my brother and our cousin Lloyd. In-between sets, we have a Fire Dancer who’s pretty good. And we have hot-dogs.” Flugel Riot Anthem performs what they have come to call “FRA music” which they describe as a fusion of several other fusions.  

If Seattle’s heat-wave is getting to you this weekend, and you could find some relief standing in a parking lot, you might want to check out the Maynard Bay Music Festival.